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  1. 5 points

    Just picked this up. 61000 miles

    Not an E38 7 series.......
  2. 5 points
    See for yourselves... (it's safe for work, people)
  3. 4 points
    First one E39, 523i SE. Bought in 2004 and had it for three years. Nice, but not quick enough. It still looked like this under bonnet when I got rid of it with 90k on the clock Still going strong somewhere in Fife I believe. Replaced with something a bit quicker, but it didn't last long. It ran for a few years after it was recovered but it's baked bean cans now. Replaced with one which had a few more toys and less miles. Did 75,000 miles in this E60 over nearly 8 years. Still miss the V8 bellow. Current barge.
  4. 4 points

    The unwritten rules of being British

    I seen this on Quora, the bloke has got it almost spot on.... Alright everybody, sit back on that DFS-corner-three-piece-with-matching-ottoman-that’s-still-got-three-months-of-0%-interest-before-you-start-making-the real-payments-which-you-already-resent, and relax! Here’s the definitive list: Rule 1: Builder, plumber, sparky in your house? You offer that fucker a Tea. Within five minutes. Even if you don’t drink tea, this rule is so ironclad that you have a box of tea just for this purpose. You also have coffee, but the tradesman must request it. Rule 2: The specifics vary by region and upbringing, but you will have some sort of ritual that you perform every time you see a magpie. This is an indisputable fact. Rule 3: You will drive at least 10mph over the posted speed limit unless within sight of a police car or speed cameras you are unfamiliar with. Failure to do so means you’re either very old, very stupid, or a complete cunt. The worst offenders being, obviously, very old, stupid cunts. Rule 4: When driving, you are only allowed to use your horn in the following circumstances: two, but preferably only one, tiny beeps to alert someone that you’re outside (although only acceptable if you’re late for a wedding, the person inside is the best man or maid of honour and you’ve known them for more than ten years. Otherwise it’s just downright rude) Someone is about to reverse into you in a car park and hasn’t seen you. To save you from imminent death by a reckless driver on the motorway or a roundabout. But the real unwritten rule is this. If you blare your horn for more than three seconds, you become the wanker of the day to everyone in earshot. Personally, I have had someone, rightfully, sound their horn at me, which has alerted me to their presence and prevented us from both being killed. I was so grateful that the horn saved us as I hadn’t seen the other car. By the fourth second of blaring horn my guilt had evaporated and I was calling the guy a wanker. Rule 5: You think Piers Morgan is a festering carbuncle of triple distilled, charcoal filtered twattery. Rule 6: If you like Piers Morgan, and have the intestinal fortitude to tell anyone other than your 65+year old, racist aunt Karen that you like him, we will know instantly that:A) you voted leave. you read the Daily Mail. C) you’re a proper cunt. D) I’m just spitballing here but, you probably don’t season your food for shit. Rule 7: Only really applies if you’re white british. You have a 65+year old, racist Aunt Karen. She might be younger or older, or called Carol or Cynthia or Barbera. She is just as likely to be an Uncle as well. No matter the age, name, gender or relation, you’ve definitely got an aging racist in the family. Even if they’re the nicest person and loves everyone and doesn’t have an ounce of hate or discrimination in them, they will definitely say some problematic shit in public. Ironically, they will always say the worst possible thing to someone while trying to prove that they’re NOT racist. You will try to educate them by getting them a smartphone or tablet and introducing them to Buzzfeed and Tumblr. Rule 8: (this one is definitely a global issue, but it’s my list, so, I’ll say it) You instantly regret introducing them to smartphones and tablets. Sub rules for the recipients of iPhones and tablets who are over 55 are: You will NOT hold your iPhone (or whatever) with one hand and scroll with your thumb. You will hold it in one hand and scroll/type with either the middle or ring finger of the other hand. This will always be your non dominant hand (which is busy holding the phone) which will make you slow as fuck.) You will perform one software update, it will change one or two things about the user experience. This will scare you and you will have iOS 4.2 for seven years and claim the phone is broken. Your son or daughter will update your phone for you. You discover that the little black boxes with question marks in them that you see in messages are “Emojis.” You find them ridiculous at first, then you think they are kind of fun, so you start to use them. You 100% use emojis wrong. Fact. You will, weekly, ask your son/daughter how to use any app or website that has been built at great cost by very clever people to be so easy to use that children who cannot even read can use them. You get Facebook, memes disturb you, you get hacked. Sub rules for givers of iPhones etc to the older generation: You will remind your mum/dad constantly that they don’t have to start texts with your name, and end them with theirs. You tell them that texts are not letters. They will ignore you. You will have to explain every acronym to them. Your mum will always think that LOL means lots of love. Once you have explained that BRB means be right back, or somesuch, they will make up a one of their own like ICMSO. It will mean “I’m chuckling my socks off.” it will be shit. You will write LOL and not tell them how bad it was as they wiped your arse for the first three years of your life. You will send any meme. They will ask if the person in the meme is your friend. You explain that Kevin Hart is not your friend. You then explain memes. They ask if you made it. You realise that you are products of different ages of innovation, that they grew up with three channels on the TV, an abridged version of an encyclopaedia, a piss poor library and schools staffed by violent alcoholics. You grew up with the accumulated knowledge of the entire human race available to you 24/7 365. You realise that simple memes will lead you down a very deep rabbit hole. You just say “yes, I made this meme” You forget, and send them another meme. They ask whose dog that is? Despite having email, messenger, texts, Facebook, WhatsApp and even, god forbid, snapchat; they will call you, and if you don’t pick up, they will leave a voicemail. Only corporations to whom you owe money and your parents leave voicemail. They will, always, start the message by saying what time it is. Despite knowing, because they love and use voicemail, that the recorded voice says “Message left at…Seven..Oh…Four.. On…Saturday” etc. You will say to yourself “why the fuck are you ringing me this early on a Saturday!” It’s the law. Rule 9: When leaving any social situation, you will, without fail: wait for a lull in the conversation, look around to catch peoples eyes, say loudly, briskly and commandingly the word “Right” If you are sitting, you will slap your knees with both hands as you say it to aid you getting up. The non verbal exclamation mark. If you are standing you will gently slap the table or bar if there’s one in front of you. If there isn’t, you will clap your hands together and rub them together or you will clap and clasp your hands together at chest height. “Right” on its own is sufficient, but can be suffixed with the following: “I/we had better make a move/ get going/ hit the road” (hit the road will be said ironically and in a bad accent. If someone has the audacity to put on their jumper or coat, take their phone off the table and look for their keys, pat their pockets absentmindedly as part of their subconscious ritual for imminent departure, or glance at a clock and then stretch their back, or even take a slightly bigger breath than usual, before they have uttered the word “Right.” Well, that person (friend) will be assailed with sarcastic remarks like “see you later then, pal” “are you off then?” “we boring you mate?” “You still here?” “Go on then, fuck off” etc. Rule 10: Any city or town that is not your city or town is a shithole and will normally be referred to thus: “Coventry? Fucking shithole, mate!” But will sound more like: “Covsafaaakinshitttole, mate! we all say it so often about other places the words just bleed together. The closer another town or city is to yours, the more of a shithole it is. I blame football for this trait. Rival teams are closer together and this feeds the animosity. Then you get cities that have two or more football teams in them, who hate each other with venom, but can’t call the other teams city shit as it’s the same city. So they hate Manchester United instead. And when they play each other they beat the shit out of themselves in the streets afterwards. Because men. The cities and towns that get a pass on being shitholes are: anything in the coteswolds, Bath, and Leamington Spa, because I live there and it’s awesome. Seriously. Rule 11: You will state the obvious. This includes: you’ve had your hair cut, you’re soaked/drenched, you’re late, you’ve lost weight. The correct replies to which are: sarcastically clutching your head and saying “noooo, Really?” “It’s fucking pissing it down out there/it’s that fine rain. Soaks you through!” “Sorry, traffic/the Mrs/He, was a nightmare” “Oh thanks, I’ve been doing Joe Wicks/juice cleanse/crystal meth etc.” Rule 12: You will hold a door for anyone. You will both say “after you” at least twice until one of you is dominated enough to go through. That person will hurry, to not waste your time, even though you spent thirty seconds trying to out-polite each other through the door. The door rule is so powerful that even in a long corridor you will approach a door, look behind you, see one other person thirty feet away and feel inclined to hold that door for them. They will then run to get through that door. In Britain you can make anyone run insanely impractical distances by holding a door. They will then thank you. If there are many doors on this corridor, this person is now level with you, the rule dictates that you will be the door opener for all these doors, they must match your pace between doors, you will not talk to each other apart from when the doors are opened. Then the person receiving the opening will thank the opener who will tell them they’re welcome. But the real unwritten rule here is that the thanking must be different every time, as must the reply. So you get a string of: “thanks, cheers, ta, so kind, thank you, bless you etc etc.” Which is met with “no worries, my pleasure, you’re welcome, don’t mention it etc etc.” Rule 13: You have a noun to describe a small, round, loaf of bread, no bigger than a clenched fist. The name you have for this particular bread is the correct name and you will glass any cunt that dares call it a cob in your presence, and then spit on the graves of their ancestors. Everyone knows it’s a Roll! Or any combination thereof. Rule 14: Although shouting, especially whilst sober, in a public place is frowned upon most grievously, if the words “ALAN” “DAN” or “NICE ONE BRUVVAAAA” are shouted. You will shout it back. Louder. It’s the law. Rule 15: You will ask taxi drivers if they’ve been busy and what time they’re on till. Fifteen years ago we used to ask normally, in our own accents. Now we say it ironically and in a Bolton accent thanks to Peter Kay. Who used it as a joke that was so funny because it was true. He knew the rules. Rule 16: You will quote “Snatch” to any new potential friend. If they quote it back, then they’re worthy. If they haven’t seen it then they’re a garbage person. Rule 17: You will, generally, know how to order drinks and ask directions to the library in either French or Spanish. Some maniacs will have a smattering of German, normally limited to counting to four and saying something is a pencil. They will say it in the style of Hitler at a rally. You will expect everyone to speak English. Rule 18: If you decorate the outside of your house with anything other than simple, non flickering, white fairy lights in either your windows or your eaves, you are definitely living in a council house and have seven children of dubious parentage. It sounds ridiculous and horrendously snobby, but I double dare you to prove me wrong. Rule 19: Depending on your age, your understanding of inflation and capitalism is based on three things in age order from oldest to youngest: “When we came off rationing we bought sausages for the first time in seven years for thruppence ha’penny that mother had saved over the winter” “I bought my first house, a lovely cottage in Surrey, for £14,000 and the mini went on sale that year for £400” “Fucking hell mate! Fucking Freddo’s are twenty fucking pee! What a liberty! Even Chomps have crept up to fifteen. And they’re smaller!” Rule 20: Every two years, at the Euros and the World Cup, we will sing “it’s coming home.” And without fail, it does not come home. We even sing the line “thirty years of hurt” despite it now being fifty two years of hurt. Rule 21: British, includes: England, Scotland, Wales and, although not British we will include Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland. The gold standard of inter-national hatred is: Half of Northern Ireland hates Ireland and the other half hate England. Ireland, is generally amiable and kind of likes everyone, England the least though. Wales is cool with most nations, except England. They insisted on keeping their own language, cost us millions in road signs that still have English on them because their kids can’t be arsed to learn welsh. They built a massive fuck off bridge and only charged a toll to get from England to wales and not get out again. England lovingly calls them sheep shaggers and taffs. The Scottish fucking hate everybody, including themselves, but mainly the English. With a deep, violent passion. The English take the piss out of them, their history and their accents. So everybody hates the English, and the English pretty much don’t care, because we’ve beaten them all many times. So to stop the bloodshed, instead of having pitched battles, we have a rugby tournament called the six nations every year to see who’s the boss. We included France and Italy as well, seeing as we’ve beaten the fuck out of them in the past as well.
  5. 4 points

    Goodbye F10...

    I picked up the 535d Touring this morning. Fair to say that I'm more than a little bit pleased. It turns out that what everyone always says about the engine is true. It just gives and gives and then gives some more. Mind bogglingly strong. The HUD - what an excellent piece of kit. I never want to drive a car without it again. The all-singing, all-dancing comfort seats are an absolute pleasure - you can literally mould them around you like a huge, leather hug. The "massage" function is properly weird but in a good way. Far from sending you to sleep as I had initially feared, they actually keep you on the ball whilst fondling each of your buttocks in turn. On a peculiar sort of loop. The rear air springs and 18" rims contribute to a noticeably smoother ride quality in comparison to the 19s of the saloon version. It's brilliant. Pics tomorrow.
  6. 4 points

    Lets see your BMWs that you have owned

    Here's my selection minus a 1990 318i which I don't have any pictures of. 1985 M535i dogleg manual with Recaros. Jazzy B owns this now. 1992 735i manual with Alpina goodies 1992 850i A with a lovely V12! My current 645ci with V8 goodness as standard
  7. 4 points

    Goodbye F10...

    I agree with the above 100% and have been laughing at everyone who says that diesel prices will plummet. This is absolute nonsense. 15 years ago e had the threat from the government that petrol is bad, then a brief spell of saying that manufacturing hybrids is awful, in 10 years time, they will use the excuse that recycling batteries in cars in bad for the environment. If diesels are so bad and so much effort is being made to get rid of them by the government, how comes road tax went up for petrol's as well? Also, if they are dropping in value, why is a base 520d M Sport now almost £41k OTR but was just above £39k OTR when i ordered 17 month ago? It is all absolute stupidity to scare people, why is Germany (who uses diesels much more than we do) not banning to the same extent at all as we are? We only loose out as the government tries to get people out of old cars, into new expensive ones on favorable PCP's so you pay more tax an they get more money from it. If it wasn't for this stupidity, we would have cars like the M550d or even 540d which would sell at volumes but BMW is not prepared to offer them because of this dieselgate nonsense.
  8. 3 points

    It’s been a while....

    No, no, no. You keep posting mate. You have a fine car to show there. Just ignore the member who doesn't appreciate you showing, and being proud of, your M5.
  9. 3 points
    Early MOT and oil service (as in brought forward time-wise) at BMR Performance in Turners Hill, West Sussex.
  10. 3 points
    USA Individual car 1 of 1 Sebring Gray Metallic - Black Nappa Leather - Anthracite M-Cloth. Thank you having me aboard.
  11. 3 points

    What did you do to your E39 today ?

    Finally got around to trying my new poplar trim, still not convinced I prefer it to my technical graphite but time will tell.
  12. 3 points

    Lets see your BMWs that you have owned

    This one started it off for me back in 1989 - a 316 1.8 E21 Then had an E36 318is, E46 330d Touring auto, two E39's and the current fleet:
  13. 3 points

    F11 535i

    mine is registered as a 535i M Sport Auto, sorry for delay collected car last night in redhill, then drove home to Liverpool. What a car especially when you enable Sport (nutter) mode.
  14. 3 points
    lol, we were only talking about this sort of thing on Tuesday when I was out and the demise of gentleman's erm, magazines. You do know there are booby pics etc. on the www now don't you....?
  15. 3 points

    Goodbye F10...

    VT-ing? No. Rejecting - which is forcing BMW FS to purchase the vehicle back off of me after 13 months (on a 8k per annum allowance and having done 17k in that time) Yes I did. Whilst BMW FS tried to push the excess millage on me, I got money back off of them. The finance shows no markers on my file just says satisfied like any other closed loan, credit card or phone contract. Whilst the two situations are different, the principle matter is that you terminate the contract early, therefore no charges can apply. If you VT, your file would simply say "VT Satisfied" I then ordered another car, the finance application went through instantly, not even a referral and BMW FS gave me a a hire car in anticipation of my new 5er arriving for 8 weeks free of charge for taking another agreement with them and my "loyalty" to the brand. Dumb it down to this: 1) What are you doing? Terminating the agreement 2) Is your action lawful? Yes 3) Can the termination have an adverse impact on you? No I think you will find these two links useful https://legalbeagles.info/forums/forum/legal-forums/motoring-parking/vehicle-finance-and-issues/77730-a-guide-to-voluntary-termination-your-rights https://legalbeagles.info/forums/forum/legal-forums/motoring-parking/vehicle-finance-and-issues/97804-voluntary-termination-letter-templates
  16. 3 points

    A bit of decorum, if you please...

    We should really just bin you Jay and decorum will be restored...
  17. 3 points
    Bought another set of contours in a rather rough state but i Intend to put all the goodies from the E66 seats into them so they will be IMO the ultimate E39 seats with heating cooling and massage. The rear will also be getting the same with lumbar and electric headrests. Also installed the Alcantara covered side panels and picnic tables/vanity mirrors to the old contours so I can use them whilst building up the new ones
  18. 3 points
    Must admit, I once went out to look at a new kitchen while the Mrs was at work and returned with a shiny new R1 (Now ex Mrs)
  19. 3 points

    F11 535i

    The irony is, unlike his car, he is getting great mileage out if it.
  20. 3 points
    I too am looking at a BlackVue DashCam and noticed that they have their own store on eBay selling the DR750S-2CH refurbished at £249.95 with a 12 month warranty. Perhaps worth a look if you're considering a BlackVue system https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Blackvue-DR750S-2CH-16GB-Front-Rear-Car-Dash-Cam-Camera-With-Wifi-GPS-Full-HD/253301467194?ssPageName=STRK%3AMEBIDX%3AIT&_trksid=p2060353.m1438.l2649
  21. 3 points

    Tools for doing work

    And for that brake job you'll need 7 mm allen bit which is usually not part of a basic tool set.
  22. 3 points

    Tools for doing work

    Try to get 6 sided sockets rather than 12, less likely to round bolt heads.
  23. 2 points

    New F11 535i Owner

    first mod Grill.
  24. 2 points

    Winter Wheels Today

    Loos surprisingly good on those winters with M sport body kit
  25. 2 points

    Kit's E34 535i

    Also on a weekend away in Pembrokeshire at the moment. And as per usual it is raining - most of the times I have got the car out this year it is pouring with rain. Oh well. Still such a nice drive and a place to be. Its absolutley filthy and covered in leaves and that. Will need a good hover on all the door shuts, bonnet and such when I get home. Going to wash it and put it away while I do the suspension parts and paint stuff and then give it another light polish and coating before I use it in the new year.